Recognising

What would you do if …

… a child tells you that “Daddy hits Mummy”?

… during couples’ counselling, one spouse is very controlling, answers all the questions and does not allow their partner to respond?

… a teenage boy constantly puts down or criticises his girlfriend in public?

… a young mum tells you that she has no access to family bank accounts, and only gets small amounts of money she asks her husband for?

Sadly these questions are not hypothetical. Domestic and family violence really happens in all communities, and victims and perpetrators of domestic abuse are present in every local congregation and faith community.

Discovering that abuse is present in someone’s life might emerge through an honest conversation, through a crack in the veneer of a publicly perfect relationship, or through witnessing a tense moment between a couple when they think no one else can see them.

Part of caring for others means taking notice of people’s private pain – and asking them how you can help.

If you are reading this for yourself and not simply as a church leader, this section will also help you understand more about respectful relationships generally, and about any possible abuse that might be occurring in your own relationships.

In this section

• What is abuse?
  • Normal relationship conflict
  • The difference with relationship abuse
• More than physical violence
  • Signs of abuse
  • Indications someone is being abused
  • Types of abuse
  • The cycle of violence
• The evidence
  • Deaths of women
  • Current statistics are damning
• Who is a victim?
  • What does gender have to do with violence?
  • What about men?
• Why don’t victims just leave?
  • Hope that the abuse will end
  • Victims have been isolated
  • Leaving can be dangerous
  • Escaping is complex
  • Leaving violence can lead to shame
  • Violence does not always stop when the relationship ends
  • Leaving is a process
• Children who witness domestic violence
  • Effects of violence on children
  • Protective factors
  • If you are a mandatory reporter
• Respectful relationships
  • Signs of a healthy relationship
  • Signs of an unhealthy relationship
  • Auditing your relationship
  • Red flags in relationships
  • Some good programs
• Community attitudes towards domestic violence
  • Common attitudes that underpin violence towards women
  • What can we do?
  • The media
• Gender drivers
  • The link between violence and masculinity
  • Mainstream masculinity
  • Challenging the gender drivers