Leaving an abusive and violent relationship takes incredible courage. When someone chooses to leave, they are reclaiming their God-given agency and dignity. Sadly, this can feel threatening to the person who has been using violence to maintain control, and can lead them to retaliate in harmful ways.
This is why the time of leaving is often the most dangerous for a survivor. It is vital that churches and communities walk with survivors in these moments with care, wisdom, and practical support, affirming God’s heart for their safety and freedom.
Whether or not a victim-survivor chooses to leave, the only person who can stop the violence is the perpetrator.
Leaving can be dangerous
Leaving an abusive relationship is often the most dangerous time for a victim-survivor. Many women who are killed by a partner are killed when they are planning to leave or have recently left. Violence can also escalate during pregnancy.
Victim-survivors may fear leaving because of very real threats to their own safety and that of their children. They may also worry that leaving will not necessarily bring safety, as perpetrators often intensify their violence, attempt to force reconciliation, or retaliate when their control is challenged.
It is important to remember: this is never the woman’s fault. The responsibility for change always lies with the person choosing to use violence. Survivors who take the courageous step to leave deserve our full support, protection, and care, as together we affirm God’s heart for their safety, dignity, and freedom. When a victim-survivor has no choice but to stay, they still deserve our support and care. Not leaving does not minimise the danger of violence and abuse.
Hope the violence will end
It is common for victim-survivors to hold on to hope that things will change. After an episode of violence, many people who use violence show remorse. This may look like:
- promises never to hurt again
- seeking counselling
- pointing to stress or pressure in their lives
- acknowledging the wrongfulness of their actions to others
- showing affection in meaningful ways.
In Christian contexts, this remorse may take on a spiritual language. The person using violence might claim repentance, say they have confessed to God and been forgiven, or pressure the victim-survivor to forgive and reconcile because of their faith.
This can create deep confusion. Many Christian victim-survivors believe that love, faith, and perseverance might “rescue” the person using abuse and stop the violence. Or that by enduring the abuse, they are experiencing ‘godly suffering’. But this is not what God desires for his people.
It’s important to remember that remorse alone is not enough. Genuine change requires accountability, repentance, and intervention. Without this, the abuse will continue. Survivors deserve to know that God’s heart is for their safety, dignity, and freedom—not for them to endure ongoing harm.
Victim-survivors are isolated
A common tactic of domestic violence is isolation. Over time, many victim-survivors lose access to the people and networks that would normally support them. This can look like being prevented from contacting friends or family, discouraged or stopped from working, monitored in their movements, or cut off from communication.
Isolation is not only physical but also emotional and spiritual. Many victim-survivors fear they will not be believed if they speak out, especially when the perpetrator is seen as charming, respected, or popular in the wider community. When they do reach out, survivors can feel further silenced if others minimise or dismiss their experiences.
This isolation makes it much harder and more dangerous for a survivor to leave. It is vital that churches and communities respond with deep listening, belief, and practical support — offering safe spaces where survivors know they are not alone, and where God’s heart for their safety and freedom is affirmed.
Leaving is complex
For many victim-survivors, leaving an abusive partner can feel even harder than staying. Years of control may have left them without financial resources, job experience, or the freedom to work or manage their own income. When children are involved, the challenges multiply.
Survivors who leave often face poverty, housing insecurity, family law and custody battles, ongoing safety concerns, and the deep impacts of trauma. Many services across the country are already stretched beyond capacity, meaning the support survivors desperately need is not always available.
These barriers—combined with ongoing harassment or coercion from the person using violence—can mean that some women return to unsafe situations. This does not mean they have failed. It highlights how complex and dangerous escaping domestic violence truly is, and why survivors need communities, churches, and systems that will stand with them in practical and life-giving ways.
Leaving violence can feel shameful
For many Christian women, leaving a violent relationship can be weighed down with feelings of shame. Separation or divorce is sometimes seen as failure, leaving women believing they have fallen short as a spouse, parent, or person of faith.
For those whose identity has been deeply tied to being married, or whose lives have become enmeshed with their partner, the idea of separating can feel impossible or unthinkable. Prolonged emotional abuse often erodes confidence and self-worth, making it even harder to imagine leaving.
Church leaders have a vital role to play. They can teach clearly that violence is never acceptable in marriage and that no one should be forced to stay in an unsafe relationship. They can also model and affirm that leaving an abusive marriage does not bring shame, but is an act of courage and protection for oneself and one’s children, and in such circumstances divorce is entirely appropriate.
Leaving a violent relationship does not automatically end the abuse. Research shows that men who continue to seek control may use other forms of coercion, including making unreasonable or non-negotiable demands, stalking, manipulating the family law system, or attempting to damage the survivor’s relationships with friends, family, or colleagues.
Churches and communities can play an important role by believing survivors, supporting their safety, and helping them navigate these ongoing challenges with practical and pastoral care.
Leaving is a process
Leaving a violent relationship rarely happens all at once. It is a gradual journey that involves recognising the abuse, planning for safety, navigating the first separation, and dealing with ongoing challenges afterward. Survivors need time, support, and practical help to heal, regain independence, and rebuild their lives.
Survivor-victims may leave and return several times before permanently separating from their abusers. The first time a victim of domestic violence leaves may be only a test to see whether or not the abuser will try to get some help to stop the violence. When the violence occurs again, the victim may leave to gain more information about the resources available to them to make a more permanent exit.
If a victim feels they have disappointed a support person by returning to an abusive relationship, they may cut off contact with them due to feelings of shame. If you are that support person, make it clear that you will be available to them no matter their choices.
